you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
