He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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