Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
