I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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