I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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