This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
