so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
