saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
