Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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