you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
