I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
