im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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