Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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