Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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