is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just found a bag of teeth...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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