go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
