hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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