i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
