So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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