i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
