Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
As shirtless as possible
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
