I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
