there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
