I wish my penis had an off switch
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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