He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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