I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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