I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
