Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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