We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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