so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
