just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
