He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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