Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
