I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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