I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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