i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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