He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
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I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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