Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
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