i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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