Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
you never un-have a 4some
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
