What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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