Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
