I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
