We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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