As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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