I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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