Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
