honey bunches of taint.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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