He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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