Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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