it was like his penis was on wheels.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
