It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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