she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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