My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
