At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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