I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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