I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
